My parents were born in Lviv, but the name is Russian. The great-grandmother was political and came back from Siberia after World War 2. She was editor-in-chief of a Lviv newspaper. She married a Don Cossack, hence the Russian name. The other branch of the family comes from the eastern Ukraine, my mother was a rich woman from a noble family, who married a poor engineer. I speak myself - whenever possible - Ukrainian, but with friends I use Russian in an emotional close atmosphere. Even when I am in Eastern Ukraine, I speak only Ukrainian. I have an uncomfortable feeling when I hear the Russian language in the street. The motto of the grandmother was always „We are alive because we stayed calm.“ - „I myself do not want to be quiet!“ I add.
The family is Russian, completely, the father had already come in 1786 by a resettlement in the Crimea. My parents were not Crimean Tartars but were relocated by Katharina the Second from Central Russia. My mother came back from Siberia in 1969. My identity is Ukrainian, at least since 1991. I was born in 1976 and Russian is my native language. In 1938 my grandfather was quite wealthy, which is why he had to spend 10 years in the camp within the Soviet Union. Since 1992, my grandfather has been rehabilitated. Today, the parents still live in Crimea. My grandfather‘s son was 16 years old when he was accused of stealing weapons from the German occupation soldiers. He was deported to Romania and then as a miner to Russia. The grandfather came back in 1948, the son came back in 1954. Both did not talk to each other, both were enemies of the Soviet regime, but for different reasons.
There is a great sadness in my family that the daughter moved to Ukraine to Lviv and the parents despite everything want to stay in the Crimea, because they do not want to be uprooted.
Social Dreaming Workshop I:
Catholic University Lviv, Psychological Department
I feel a lot of violence. I watch a boy who has been suppressed, beaten and raped for many years. He sat in the park and got violent on other girls. He even tries to kill people. There is incredible tension arising in school. I‘m innocent, but he‘s following me. In the hospital I tell this situation to a doctor. The boy runs into the room and the doctor catches him and gives him an injection to calm him down. He is now immovable, he will probably never come to a full life again. His saliva drips out of his mouth. He lies motionless until the end of his life. I sensed it was not his fault, but I had to do it to save myself.
Dream 2 :
I was with my friend in the classroom when teaching German. I said, „This is my friend.“ Whereupon the director says to wait outside. Then we went with the roller coaster and the whole class was in a wagon. My friend does not come with me. Then the roller coaster suddenly stops, I get out and a great catastrophe happens, shatter all cars, burning, horror.
Dream 3 :
An old woman is walking with a stick in the supermarket. I meet my colleague and she says we should go to work. In the display behind the window, my mother is standing with a crutch and cannot get out. I am very sorry, but I have not returned.
4. Association to dream 1:
I am at school and see a lot of red color. There is great unrest and fear.
5. Association to dream 1:
There is no other outcome than to kill him, that is the only possibility.
I was called to go to the cinema. I‘m on a treadmill, on a conveyor, completely flat and many people walk in complete silence and darkness. The tension grows, the ground rises, and it becomes more difficult to walk. We must run. We are already like animals, on all fours we run and must keep climbing in snow and ice and claw our way into the stones. Finally, we must climb straight up. At the top there is an arena, and everyone is watching. Other people are in black watching the others. You cannot look at the others. Then everyone looked at me. I fled. Slide down the mountain, but I am wrapped up in a blanket and cannot run away. A person in black touches my shoulder.
I was at my grandmother‘s farm, looking at the horizon, a wave coming towards me. Another wave and I cannot breathe, no come out, then I can breathe again and afterwards I saw that the wave was only on the ground, not nearly as big as I thought.
8. Association to dream 7:
I am with my younger siblings in a hut, which is fallen down by the sea. Flooding is coming towards me. I‘m looking for my 3rd sister, cannot find her, hold my first and second siblings on both hands, the water rises higher and higher.
I‘m in a psychoanalytic education group and it‘s like they‘re all connected. I count 4 participants and I would be the 5th. But I count again and only count 4 people, I do not understand why we are only 4 together.
I have three birds: the one is a parrot who is injured, the second is a canary and the third one I have not recognized. I take them to another room, but I have to take them back to me because it‘s getting cold.
I‘m in a circus and behind the scenes a lot of cruel is happening. It creates a great restlessness.
At the age of 6, I‘m in bed, around the corner there is a corridor, a wall, a kitchen and in the corner there is a gyroscope, which will explode. I am very afraid, something terrible is happening.
3 years ago, I dreamed that I‘m in elementary school, soldiers are coming, then a graveyard with my friend in church. There comes a black man, speaks Russian, the situation is very dangerous. We wanted to flee, go back to school, it plays a tune, soldiers come. Then I woke up.
I dream I cannot fall asleep, the sun is rising, a military plane is flying straight towards me . Soon it will kill everyone. But it is only a drawn picture in my hand.
There is a class reunion and I do not know if I should go there. I do not have a suitable dress for it. My parents give me a dress from the sister. It is not for me. The parents want me to wear it and so I bring the dress to my grandmother. She says: „This is not your dress.“ There is no money for a new dress and so I‘m not going to this class reunion. Afterwards I see in a photo that everyone at the meeting carried old clothes. So I take my old dress and go there anyway. The students in the garish clothes kept silent, the students in the dark clothes spoke. The speaking children said: „The dresses are not that important!“
It‘s nice to see that it‘s only important to be real. Clothes do not matter that much.
It was not important for her to get out of the closet.
In the house with my family I wanted to marry a young girl. Her dress was brown. She did not want another dress. She wanted a brown dress: that was very brave. Then the door opens, and she had a yellow dress. What happened? Then I woke up.
I‘m going to a very old church. There I must count flowers and read an old script. Then comes a sound: it is not important to be good, but to be yourself.
19. Association to dream 1:
From a book: 2 men in Peru meet a strange boy in the hospital. Tomography does not allow you to have metal in your body, but he had chips in his head. He did not know it and his head exploded. You should help the boy, but he died. Because he was a machine, he could not live anyway, but he was innocent.
I found a pigeon and fed it. I took it out in a box, maybe the cat ate it or it flew away, at least it was not there anymore. The question is: do I improve something, or do I make something worse?
I‘ve been to my grandmother‘s and caught a hedgehog. I put him in a bucket and wanted to show him to my younger sister. In the meantime, however, the hedgehog has disappeared.
I am worried. We can develop concepts, but we can just adumbrate / guess.
I remember a story of a girl. The pets disappeared and afterwards she had a feeling of sadness.
Born in 1970, about 170 km from Lviv, I grew up with Soviet identity. My cousin returned from a mission in Afghanistan, as a military he explained exactly how the border of Poland was working. There is a photo of complete abandonment of the West. There was always a message in the Soviet news that the West would attack nuclear. One teacher always declared that we live in evolving socialism. When I asked him why gift packages came from the West, the teacher did not answer, but warned my parents to be careful because the child thinks too much. During compulsory military service I came to the KGB.
1988 with the Perestroika came also the consciousness turn. At that time the „Prisoners of Conscience“ were released and there were far-reaching demonstrations.
In 1990 there was a student hunger strike in Kiev and then the uprising on Euromaidam. My own parents are also teachers and friends with people from the Bandeira movement.
In my opinion, 70% of Eastern Ukrainians have never been to Western Ukraine and vice versa. There are rumors, such as that in the Western Ukrainian Bandeira people will move around and kill you. The propaganda, the indoctrination by the media plays a big role in this conversation. It creates the impression that everything is just propagandistic influence. As a result, my favorite project is an exchange program between East Ukraine and West Ukraine to visit and get to know each other.
I was in Kazakhstan with the Soviet Union until 1991, when my husband was studying in Lviv. Then there were student demonstrations for an independent Ukraine. Some of my friends emigrated to the US and gave to me their home. That‘s how I stayed in Lviv. The family comes from Kumaelnetzki in Russia. My native language is Russian, then I went to Kazakhstan on a scholarship. The terrible story of my parents only came to me 15 years ago. They came into the middle of the 1932/33 famine. Agriculture was taken away from them, the men have emigrated to a large extent, for example, in the United States. During the famine, my grandmother dug a ditch to die. My father was born in 1930 and his older brother in 1926. They always called to the grandmother „I want to live!“ And that gave her courage. The conditions were so bad that the father did not speak until the age of six and could not walk. Only in 2004, under the presidency of Juschtschenko, the archives were opened and only then did my parents tell this story. There are none of these family members alive. Most topics were taboo.
A historian said, the military and the nomenclature have lost influence, but not the Secret Service.
The different regions of Ukraine have different stories, for example, there was no famine in Lviv, but the effects of World War 2 were all the most cruel. I felt myself as a Soviet person, the 9th of May is the big day of glory „the great father of the country war.“ But again, it is believed that the veterans are forced to attend.
1946/47 there was the 3rd famine. 1921/22 the first famine. The suffering of the famine in central and eastern Ukraine is the biggest trauma.
Everybody writes his book of life and this is not a smudge. I want to tell what I know about the family even to my daughters. I was with my daughter at an exhibition in the Donez area and the daughter was happy to live in the West.
The grandmother was Polish, the grandfather from Eastern Ukraine, soldier of the Red Army. They lived in an apartment of Polish residents. Until 1945 there were certain stories in the box, after 45 new stories came into the box. After 2014 again new stories. At the age of 5 in kindergarten I was very disappointed that one day the Lenin photo was exchanged through the photo of Juschtschenko. That was at the time of Ukraine‘s independence 1991. 2004 was the Orange Revolution, the first experience of freedom. In 2014, it was the revolution of dignity, now the “Civil Society” became strong. 2018: Right-wing radicalists are becoming stronger, racism is increasing. The European right-wing extremist parties are just a product of Putin‘s propaganda. „Everything is directed.“
In Lviv there is the West European identity but also the Eurasian identity.
In Donbas there is a strong group that is afraid of the euro-enviers: it is „America in Kiev“
During the Soviet regime immigrants from the Soviet Union to Lviv, came with a key from the administration. In the homes of displaced Polish or expelled Jewish population, not only found the furniture, but also the clothes of these people in the apartments. The women were surprised by the precious and delicately crafted underwear for women they found and interpreted it as cocktail dresses for the evening events. As a result, in operas and theatrical events women appeared in bras and underpants, assuming that these were the elegant evening attire of Lviv‘s inhabitants.
Social Dreaming Workshop II:
Catholic University Lviv, Psychological Department
Since the participants were the same as in the first SDM it has been discussed to make the second session on a specific topic. It was agreed to set a theme in this second workshop, unlike the first workshop, in which it was completely open and free. The proposed topic was „Ukrainian Identity.“
It was a road in Hungary, there was a plane there, a rocket, and there was very little time since parts were missing. We had to continue driving to get the missing parts. I myself turned into a little girl and drive my father and mother away because they could be recognized. A military car is coming and we are hiding.
There is an eikon hanging on a wall in a room, and suddenly there was another kind of eikon that was all black. I got scared, got up on the chair to look at it and saw from the side that it had teeth from monsters. I brought this eikon to the church and the pastor said I could be relaxed, I just need to pray. He himself will solve the problem. The pastor said: „ everything is alright, go home.“ But at home the eikon was back on the wall. The doorbell rang, my whole family stood there, as well as the deceased at Christmas. Obviously, the eikon was not a problem for all these people, just for me.
I go to the post office to send a parcel. Before me stood a man with a large package in which an eikon was. The official says that it is forbidden to send eikons. It caused great helplessness and they asked me to take the eikon. I refused, but he insisted. I was upset, did not know the man, wanted to bring the eikon to the church safely and the pastor accepted to keep it.
I dreamed of a picture in the church in Kiev, where an archangel at the last judgement rolls up the whole world like a roll of paper. I dreamed that I myself am in this role and the world is rolling over me. It was the end of everything, I die, the world is over, but I was still there and I watched the people around me, quiet and quiet, I felt very well. I always wanted to save my mother.
Everything was flooded, only a few people survived. With every big wave there were fewer and fewer people. But you must survive and that‘s the feeling of time.
The rescue of my mother. It was the contradiction of everything. In the room there was mud and dirt but also noble cars, dirty linen and high-ranking personalities. All this is incomprehensible to me and in the night I go out, say goodbye to my mother, she does not answer. She goes to a group therapy, want to say goodbye, because everything‘s over. But she leaves, I come in, I know that I cannot be there. I come to my mother, she is a little girl to me and I am the grandmother. The therapist sends me out.
I was a military woman. There was a chronology in my history. First it was World War 1, at the beginning of the fight I was killed, then the next war of fear and death and unbearable states began. Again, in the next war I was killed. In the 2nd World War I drove to the concentration camp on the train, a long white dress, all on the wagons, officers came, walls of the wagons were torn away, an officer shot me without saying anything. All these sequences are repeated over and over again.
In the SDM yesterday, the associations were mostly negative. The Ukrainian identity is light, beautiful colors but today there is mourning again. But when the world rolls up at the Last Judgment, and you feel good about it, everything is positive.
There is a video clip of a singer that is called „You can still give up.“
As a child I dreamed to fly over the park, the animals, the people, all things in pairs. I was at a spring and a stone with a script I could not read. I washed my feet in the stream. At fifteen, a voice told me, „You will go another way.“
I was on a mountain, a narrow path on a steep slope, people walked in a row.
I talked to my girlfriend, suddenly we were shot. The shots came from above, I was hit, but remained alive. I tried to fend off the bullets with boxes and cushions. There were other people around me and then we were back in church. Again, the shots came from above, I wanted to climb up and look for the soldiers who shot at us. Upstairs there was a garden and a woman cooks wonderful food with good scents. She invited us and I asked her if they were shooting at us. „Is that so nice to shoot at us?“ the woman replied, „This is my husband, I cannot do anything.“ Then we saw the men from a distance and I ran into them in front of them and they continued firing.
Big horses, very cruel, I am alone with my mother, the horses are coming, we were lucky, because we could hide. The horses jumped over us. I was very scared that something was happening in the family. My grandfather came to the hospital, I poisoned myself. I am always scared when I see specific persons in a dream, because with such people something happens. For example, I saw the neighbor and she died. At that time my father died of cancer in my family when I saw him in my dream.
In a hotel room, a scientist sits at a desk and studies large piles of old documents. I look down from above and see that he tried to decipher Hebrew manuscripts. He made notes on the pages. It is written in the script that archaeologists have unearthed ancient temples and flying we see the walls from above the archaeological sites, a person with an eikon and many people come to this event of the new excavation. But when they go out, these people are all in a row with their heads hanging. After each group comes a 3-meter-high angel with black wings. I am very scared. I associate that people would be free to enter and be broken when going out, like in a concentration camp. After the visit, the people are without soul, that is again a metaphor of control.
The maternal family is Russian, comes from the East of the Ural. I came to Lviv as an orphan to study in the orphanage, the paternal family has a farm near Lviv, but was communalized and the family banished to Kazakhstan. They were dropped off in freight trains and in the forest. Only the older sister remained underground. In 1943 the grandmother fled exile and arrived in Lviv after 3 months. She went to her sister, was hidden, betrayed. Tortured in 1945 by the KGB. She was pregnant with sixteen years and in 1953, after Stalin‘s death, she fled exile but disappeared. Then the family was rehabilitated, came back to the farm. At school, her father and mother had met and the father‘s family was against a „Russian“ - so they lived 8 years without marriage until the death of their grandparents give them the chance to marry. In 1991, there was a right of restitution for the farm, but it remained the property of the current users.
My personal success story is the life as a conductor and composer, even though all of my music teachers dissuaded me from becoming a conductor and thought that I would be good. When I moved to Kiev and there met the conductor of the National Orchestra, that recognized me as talent that I succeeded.
Conductors either have great practice with their hands or the ability to work with a group, the orchestra. The exercise of the hands is so important because it must express separately:
1. the tempo
2. the character and
3. the intention of the piece as a whole
On the father‘s side, I come from Ukrainian aristocracy. I am very proud of it. In 1941, the great-grandfather did not want to flee and was shot dead by the Nazis. In 1942, the great-grandmother was raped by Bandeira Groups (UPA), dismembered and suspected of the Nazi collaboration. Not even the tomb is known anymore. I am distanced from Bandeira nationalists. In 1943 he was drafted into the Soviet army, wounded in Berlin, only a prayer helped him to survive. The house of the great-grandmother was plundered, the man was in the Soviet army, so the Ukrainians were against them.
In 1946 he came back from the war, NKWD persecuted him, threatened to send him to Siberia, when the great-grandfather showed his medals and he could stay. His great-grandfather had Ukrainian identity and it was not the great patriotic struggle, but the 2nd World War. The medals were for the defense of Ukraine. His father was in a Soviet elite unit, and since they were heroes, they did not care where they would be sent. Therefore they were not sent to Afghanistan by the commander.
He survived because of his devotion to God. In 1998 the father became a priest too.
I am in the military and had to secure a front of 160 km in the Donez area. I need to contact the locals to understand the actions well. In contrast to the voluntarily anti-Russia fighters, who are often plundering gangs, the official army must establish order. ATO (Anti-Terrorist Operation) means no official war with Russia. Suicides of Ukrainian soldiers in his battalion are very burdensome, and yet he would take over his duties as commander again and again, because „the matter is to be brought to an end.“
The revolutionary of West Ukraine is not right, because in the 1930s there were many uprisings against the Soviets in Eastern Ukraine and famine was the punishment of Stalin for it. The result is today‘s Donbass conflict, because instead of the Ukrainians who died in the famine, Russians have moved in and are fighting against Ukraine today. Always important is the Ukrainian Church in the fight against Russia. By contrast, the Russian church has always cooperated with the KGB.
In 2002 I came to Lviv to study, from about 70 km away from Lviv. At first I was afraid not to be accepted by the big city, but now have an apartment in a new building. To win this fight was very important. Now in the parents‘ committee of the school class children. 1999 in the 5th grade with the pioneers, there was only the story about the Soviet Union, learned nothing about Ukraine.
In class elections, I lacked a voice to become head of the pioneers. My stepfather comforted me, next year he will vote for me then. Then I actually became the leader and the stepfather revolted that I am now a communist. Right now, there are radical right-wing extremist movements, for example C14. These attack Gypsies and have simple answers to complicated questions. The population is silent and accepts the values of the people screaming. I work on a variety of projects, including anti-corruption activities. This involves the gradual development of proper documentary procedures so that the police, prosecutors and the executive must disclose the forms and all decisions electronically. These projects are funded by Canada, various NGOs and also the Soros Foundation. As a child I had a dream: I wanted to flee the city, I did not believe that I would succeed, but then it worked out. That means, one should not be afraid and work on the realization of the dreams.
Social Dreaming Workshop I: Jam Factory
My apartment is robbed. This was due to concrete events.
I dream of a brown area that is rather gloomy and there is a parachute cabinet. I take the parachute and go to another area. I jump down into a bright green and yellow landscape.
3. Association to dream 2:
I always sit with mother and sister at breakfast and we tell each other our dreams. Very often, dreams are about the end of the world. There is water and the earth is composed of two different levels, I am on one level with my sisters and the waterfall is like a wall separating us from the other level. Many things fall apart, are destroyed, and the water, like the great flood, washes away all parts.
10 years ago, I dreamed to study and all students eventually must join the army, after returning I was notified that a test had not been accepted by the university. My sense of incomprehension, making me refuse the opportunity to study again for this exam, made me not get a diploma.
I‘m working on my PhD in Psychology entitled „Psychology of a Disabled in Business.“ This topic is left over and I discuss it with my doctoral supervisor, then I‘m in grade 8 school and we discuss why Ukraine is not as developed as it should be.
It is February or March and in the apartment of the deceased grandparents, where we used to live, you hear the father cooks something in the kitchen. We go outside and I realize, I forgot the jacket. I go back and my grandfather is already out of the door and I‘m still inside. In a similar dream I see myself as I let fall into my hands all my teeth. The walls begin to shake like an earthquake. „Where should I hide?“
In a place about 350 km from Lviv, there is a river, the Bug. This river seemed to be much wider than it really is. My mother and I are amazed at the incredible size of this river, nature is beautiful.
In childhood, I dreamed about the beautiful nature and the changing seasons. From winter to spring, there were beautiful flowers and before it got cold, there were Eskimo houses behind the house, then actually came the cold.
In childhood we were often in Crimea. I often dreamed of the sea and when the Crimea was annexed by the Russians, the dreams came more and more often. Now we go to the Asowsche sea, which belongs to Ukraine. In my dreams, the images of both seas mix. The whole family, also with the divorced father‘s family, is crowding together in the sun on the shore. It is very narrow, you can only stay on narrow concrete slabs. Suddenly they see an old house and there is the cat. Very mixed feelings, in the dream they swim like in the water, only on the shore.
About 120 km from Lviv there are 10 friends, all in a big hall, the tables are set for the meeting, the food is served. There are more people coming in, all drinking, eating and laughing, but I do not get anything. I ask if it‘s a wedding and a person says „It‘s too bad he died.“ I see a sarcophagus. I cannot understand why everyone is so happy when it‘s a funeral. Finally, I pack sweets into packages to give them to the guests.
The Grandfather‘s village: brother and dogs must walk quickly to the train station. I myself become a superman and jump and run like a superman - I‘m on the train and try to say something to my brother, but he does not hear me. With this fear that I cannot make myself understandable, I woke up. I have the feeling my body has huge powers and am able to do anything. Today there is no such power - dream.
I dreamed, I drive a car, but it is not my car, it is roofless and also the shape of the car is strange. I always drive someone somewhere and the ride is jerky and without brakes. I do several trials to get into the bend and if I do not get in, the dream starts all over again. Various people comment on my driving style, as in the driving school. When waking up, I feel like I‘m getting out of the vehicle.
I have no voice, there is only fear, running, screaming is not possible.
Social Dreaming Workshop II: Jam Factory
With friends and the parents of the friends I am in a new building district in Lviv. In the middle of the night, a 14-story house collapses. You can see it very clearly, even though it is dark. I start screaming. Suddenly I see a friend in the middle of ruins with an arm cut off.
From real life: I walked in Copernicus Street near at the Pototzki palace, on the other side is loud noise, repair - a construction site. But in fact, it was the sound of a falling tree. The tree tore down the electric wires of the tram. From the other direction came a tram, the driver honked and it was as if the accident is unstoppable. I wondered if the driver coming from the other direction was heroic or stupid.
A realistic event in winter, snow and ice fall from the roofs, again in the Copernicus street I ran to escape the danger. Nevertheless, snow fell on my head. Men were walking behind me, carrying a bigger box and to help me, out of shock, dropping everything, though it was not so bad because it was just snow. It‘s just too common, some accidents always happens.
A small street in the old town. In front of me a block of ice falls on the sidewalk.
I‘m always scared to walk the streets in winter. I‘m mad at the city administration, I‘m angry.
The cobblestone pavement in Lviv is always very determinating in dreams.
The cobblestones are in a terrible state, for example in Walerer street. The city administration wants to asphalt, but the public is against it. They say that it is part of the city‘s image. The cobblestone pavement is the last instance of Lviv‘s identity. The cobblestone is the symbol of resistance to the Soviet - Modernism.
Watercolor and China Ink on Paper, 70 x 100 cm